Im sorry

ok so is it bad to be happy for something that makes someone else sad?. i mean im not happy im just relieved i guess. but whatever. I do think that i need to say that i appreciate my best friend. He is awesome. I prolly dont tell him enough but id be lost without him. I feel really bad sometimes becasue i pretty much treat him like crap. I dont even think about it. I just say things that are really mean and i talk to him like hes stupid. Hes not stupid. I mean yeah sometimes im frustrated with him but i luv him to death and i dont want to treat him like crap. I just always seem to make really degrading comments to him. I DONT MEAN IT!!!! I just vent sometimes and its not very nice. And of course he doesnt accept my appologies so i dont know what to do. IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY!!! im sorry that i say things and make you feel 2 inches tall. Im sorry that i get upset when all of your attention isnt on me . Im sorry im so spoiled, and jealous, and selfish, ok im sorry. plain and simple.

stressed

its just the way i feel....stressed..i cant explain it but i know its there. plain and simple

Feelings

so im keeping it short and sweet....no matter what your feelings are just accept them and deal with them as they are. Dont fight them. Its not worth it. You might not be able to act on them but so what. They are there and fighting them most likely wont help them go away anyways. Just accept them. Plain and simple

Just take a minute to think

ok so i know that there will be at least one person that reads this and freaks out about it. So i just want to say to those people that some of this could be pointed at you but dont flatter yourself...not everything is about you. but its going to sound way worse and way more dramatic than i mean it. But my whole point is to tell it like it is and be real so dont read too much into this.

Being left out of someones life or cut out of someones life sucks....but whats worse is to see the person that is filling that place...your place. That hurts more than anything. So dont blow off your good friends for those who you want to become better friends with. Its not worth it. Im not saying you should have those select people that you should spend all of your time with and never try to make new or better friends. Im just saying make sure you know who is always there for you...think back to all of the things you have been through...who has always been there....who is always there now no matter what. Who would you be lost without. just take a minute to think about it. think about how you would feel if your best friend made you feel unimportant...or blew you off all the time. trust me i know...it hurts. so all im saying is think next time when a good friend sounds or looks like they need help...find a way to help them out...even if its just talking to them ...put that first, before everything else. For once in your life dont be selfish. Just take some time to really think about it ok? Think about what really matters....what is truely important at this point. Just think about it ....plain and simple

Change

So do you ever feel like you know everything about someone, you always know what they are thinking, you understand them completetly, i mean your best friends with them. And then one day you just feel like everything has changed. You feel like your missing out on things with them becasue they dont tell you anything anymore, you cant read them and you dont know how they feel, when they try to explain things to you you are completely lost and just dont get it. I HATE IT!! Dont get me wrong i love my life and i wouldnt change it. But sometimes i just miss how things used to be. Im sure everyone feels like that sometimes. I think what im trying to say is i dont really like change. Well im scared of change. There is no real way to avoid it either. People change, ideas change, opinions change, i change, and well time keeps passing and things keep happening. But i miss the old times....lol...i dont think im even old enough to have old times yet....but either way sometimes im just saddened by the things that are lost...relationships, memories, conversations, the way someone looks at you. Thats one thing that really does hurt. Its hard to explain. But when you have feelings for someone and they have feelings for you too, you exchange this look....a look that you both give each other....letting them know that there is nothing that they would rather be doing then being there with you. Its the best feeling in the world. And then when your looking at that person one day.....and they dont give you that look anymore...its the worst feeling in the world. Im not sure if that makes sense but if you have had that with someone then you understand what i mean. And for those of you that have not experianced that yet...dont worry you will...be patient. plain and simple

Annoying

a lot of things really bug me. I mean everyone has things that annoy them but i think i have an abnormally large amount. Im getting better at letting things go that are not important but sometimes you just have a day that you cant take it anymore. lol..but like i said im a lot better at just letting things go than i used to be. My friends dont annoy me any more. Well one does but ill explain that in a minute. It takes a lot for a person to get on my nerves. Most of the time i dont care what people think of me so when they are bugging me i let them know..problem solved. But when i do care about the person or what they think then they can most definatly annoy me. (Z) I mean Z is my best friend. So when i tell people that he is annoying me they always think its a negative thing. He usually thinks its negative too. But its actually the opposite. It should be very flatering to him. Not many people can even get my attention let alone bug me or get on my nerves. So for Z ...when i tell him that he is really annoying me...its a loving term...its a form of affection. As long as he understands that i dont really care what everyone else thinks. plain and simple

Random thoughts

ok so ive been told that my whole blog is too depressing but ya know what ive said from the begining that im gonna tell it like it is and i dont sugar coat things so if you have a problem with it either get over it or stop reading. ummmm i just read the comment on my last entry, and omg. i think its funny how you know what someone thinks about you but it doesnt quite hit you until they say it ...or write it in this case. Im not going to reply to most comments but this one deserves a reply. Too bad i cant put it on here cuz im not sure if the person is ok with me doing that. Tough luck for you i guess. But ill fill everyone in later. k so on a better note....this weekend is going to rock. im going to my dads and V is going to be there and we are going to the movies. I cant wait. Well im tired and i have to go study....so you should do what i plan to do, live life as it flies at you.....just deal, because things will work out in the end. plain and simple

Im scared

ok so im scared to death. Im scared of you and what your capable of. Im scared of the power you have over me. Im scared of how i feel about you. Im scared of how you feel about me. Im scared that i have given up chances i should have taken. Im scared that you will give me a second chance. And at the same time im scared that you wont. Im scared that if you give me another chance i wont take it...and im scared that i will. Im scared that my feelings for you are going away and becomeing feelings for someone else. im scared that the same thing is happening to you. Im scared that you will get over it and move on. And im scared that i wont. But more than anything in the world Im scared that in the future when you are talking about "us" the word regret will will come from your mouth. Plain and simple but really its not.

<3 G

I would like to make a shout out to G. We love you brotha! I have no idea how hard this must be for him. A guy who lives and breathes athletics to be told that he cannot participate in contact sports ever again. It must be devastating for him. But he is a great guy and a wonderful person. I dont believe it when i hear them say he will never play again. It will happen for him....things will get better. Everyone is always telling me that everything happens for a reason. Well i would love to know what the freaking reason is for this. Why him ...why now...He doesnt deserve this. plain and simple. He just doesnt.

One of my guy friends

ok so this guy and I are really close. well i think we are. I love him to death. i trust him and he trusts me. But we are just friends and im sure we always will be. Btw that is 100% ok with me because i dont think i like him that way but im glad that we are friends....lol. But he has some problems right now and im trying to help. He and i both know what needs to be done i think he just needed to hear it from someone else. Hey what are friends for right. I bet all of you are thinking that it is Z...well its not its D....i just thought i should clarify that. well i guess things are kinda crapy with me because ive been focusing on helping other people. but its all good i needed the distraction from my own problems if you know what i mean. I guess i kinda need a break. plain and simple.

Friday Night Game

ok so tonight we lost the footabll game....but honestly i dont care... i mean yeah i wanted to win but im really not that interested in it. I spent most of the time with Z. He is amazing. It is always hard for me to leave his side whenever i am with him. If i could i would still be there....with our arms wrapped around each other....mmmmm....i miss it already. yeah yeah i know im crazy...your question is "why are you guys not together?" well it is more complex than that. but i think im getting to the point where i dont care. i mean i cant be with him right now because i have feelings for other guys but im crazy about Z. I dont know what to do. Im gonna get hurt no doubt. but i really dont care. well mabey i do.....grrrrrr i dont know what to do or what to think or say. im just crazy .....about him and just about everything in general. plain and simple

Family

I know this is like my third entry tonight but i have to get you caught up with my life. So dont judge me here i go. I live with my mom and my step dad for the moment. My dad left us when i was about idk 6. I see him on the weekends and at least one day during the week. He is my hero and my idol. I LOVE YOU DAD!!! um my family and i have some issues but we are getting help...well i am ...they are not. I dont feel comfortable telling you everything right now so lets just say i dont deal well with stress and i get mad at myself way too easily. But like i said im getting help. My step mom is the bomb. Her name is Karman and she rocks. I love her to death. Shes a little crazy but thats why she is so great, there is nobody like her. I have a sister faith and she is pretty cool but i dont talk to her as much as i used too. I guess we are both just too busy with school and friends and work. I also have a sister Keshia. Her and i dont get along so great anymore. But that is a whole differant story for a whole differant time. She lives in Grand Rapids now so i dont see her much anymore. ok now im really tired and im goingt o go hop in the shower. People say that family is the most important thing...well i disagree the only members of my family that are important are those that are my friends. plain and simple

"Best"

ok so i have a ton of best friends. im not going to tell you their real names so im going to use letters. Hopefully you can still follow what im saying. So when i was thinking about my friends today i was trying to decide who my very best friend is. I mean what really defines a "best" friend. I think there are a few ways to tell who you can consider your best friend. Trust is the # 1 decider in my book. You have to have complete trust. Ther are a lot of other factors that i will probably mention later on in my story. So anyways my best friend is Z. hmmm...what to say about Z. He is amazing. I dont know how i ever lived without him. I dont know what im going to do next year....he will graduate this year and ill be lost after that. Im not so sure what im going to do with myself or how im going to handle that. But im not going to think about that right now. well my other really close friend is T well lets call her V. V is awsome. I love her to death. She is always there for me and i tell her everything. I do wish that her and i got more time to talk and hang out but w/e life is busy and i understand that. Well I also have other really good friends i just dont feel like spending time to explain them. But dont worry you will get to know them later on as well. Lets see there is... J,J,J, and J....so good luck with that one. And there is B and D and T and a crap ton of others...lol....ok well im tired and i have homeowrk to do so nighty night. Remember always know who your true freinds are cuz you will never get through life without them. plain and simple

crazy

So there is this guy that i cant stop thinking about. and im sure he knows that im crazy about him. Im pretty sure hes fond of me too. but we are not together anymore and probably never will be. we are "just friends" if you know what i mean. when im not with him im thinking about him and when i am with him i cant focus on anyhting but us. every touch and every look he gives me makes me have this unbelievable feeling. i just cant get enough. when i see him my eyes light up and my heart jumps. im just completely and hopelessly insane. plain and simple. but shhhh its our little secret.