Christmas...well sorta

ok so if you know me at all you know that i am majorly against christmas....well back up ...im not agianst christmas at all im agianst how it is celebrated...but thats not why im writing. ill fill you in on that at a later time. im writing to tell you all not to forget what christmas is all about. now the reason that i am writing this so late ...on the day of christmas.... is to really show you what i mean. Think back on all the things that youve done for christmas this year. Think about all of the decorations that you hung that are of santa and elves. Think about all the little ones that you got all hyped up about santa and how many of them that you told if they were naughty they wouldnt get gifts. Think of all of those things that you did this christmas season and then think about what christmas is really about. What the hell have we all been doing. Now think about that next year and mabey then you can celebrate a true christams and not this ...fake...invented...holiday of reindeer and santas...Mabey next year you can spend a real christmas with all of your family and friends and really talk about what christmas is all about... plain and simple

Selfish

ok so have you ever done anything cuz you wanted to make yourself feel better and then later feel even worse that you were so selfish. I have. I needed to be there for someone. But i guess i felt that i couldnt . IDK it was stupid . so i ended up not being there for them. Man i hope they hate me now i really do. I love them more than life itself but ihope they hate me. plain and simple

Flirt

Ok so i hate it when people yell at me for flirting. First of all its none of thier business and second of all i dont see anything wrong with it. That is as long as it doesnt go any further than that. I mean who is it hurting? And i also hate it when the guy flirts back (well i dont hate that... but i hate it when i get yelled at because they do flirt back).Thats not my fault and the girls or guys for that matter... are just jealous. But none of this matters cuz i dont like the guy/guys that i "flirt" with. I have a boyfriend and im happy with that for now. I mean come on people mind your own business. And you shouldnt be bothered by it anyways cuz the guy/guys dont like me...well or you for that matter...lol. But anyway my point is that its not like im cheating ok. Plus usually in just talking to the guy and being nice and everyone thinks that that is me flirting and that i like him. Cant i just carry on a pleasent conversation with a guy that is not my boyfriend without getting crap for it. Apparently not. Let me know what you think even if you disagree. But w/e thats what i think. plain and siimple.

Logic vs. Emotions

Is it better to make a decision based on logic and what you KNOW is right and what will be best in the long run.....or is it better to make a decision based on emotions and what you FEEL is right and what would be good now?....comment me and let me know. plain and simple.

Depending on you

ok so i dont ask for much....well i dont think its much. I ask of you these things: dont lie to me. dont decieve. dont get too jealous. treat my friends well (there are exceptions). dont yell at me. dont force me into anything. keep my secrets. and last but not least keep your promises. Ok so thats kinda a lot i guess but is it really that hard to do? A promise to me is differant than a promise to most people. A promise to most people is when you say the words "i promise". well to me if you say " i will " or "i wont" or anyhting close to that that is a promise. If you cant do something then dont tell me that you are going to! I hate that! i might be over reacting but i dont care. this is how i feel. I have to be able to trust you and to depend on you ( to an extent). If you say you will be there...then you had better be there. If you say you will call...then you better freaking call. If you tell me it wont happen again....then it better not. I prolly sound like a bitch but i really dont care. And the worst part is that you know i feel this way and yet you still can not do those few things that i ask of you. And that hurts me....it really does. You just dont get it...if you are honest with me i wont get mad. Just tell me and i will be ok. Give me the chance to act reasonably. If i ask you to do something and you dont want to or you cant ...then thats ok but dont tell me that you will....just tell me no and i will deal with that a hell of a lot better than you makeing a promise you cant keep. And if your thinking this is about you not calling.....then you dont know me .....then you dont know me at all. Im not mad.... but this is how i feel...and i know ...talk about drama queen... but i feel better now that i got that off my chest.....i love you. plain and simple

Worry and Sorry2

hey everyone. so guess what...im happy. well for the most part. Im haveing a few issues and i guess those are causeing some people...well one person to worry. I love it that that perosn cares about me but i hate that i worry him . Im fine ...well i think im fine i guess i dont really know . but i hope that nothing like that will happen again (i know most of you dont know what im talking about but o wells) and z if you are reading this then i promise i will try to take better care of myself ok i will try...but i take back the promise that i will....but i will try. i appologize for everything and for makeing things a little difficult. And j (not jess) if you are reading this i am sorry that i put you in the middle of things.. i dont mean to its just you are my friend and i needed to talk to someone...and becasue of the situation it prolly wasnt the best idea to talk to you in particular. but i am sorry....ok i am... i have a few changes that i need to make. And to the rest of my friends ...i am sorry that i have been really distant. I know i havent spent a lot of time with any of you and im sorry i wll try harder now. plain and simple

IDK

So yeah earlier i was pretty pissed off but i cried it all out of me...now i dont feel mad...or sad...or anything. Im emotionally numb. well for the moment. shit happens and you have to deal with it. be mad and then let it go. and hey if your the one that somebody is mad at.....then just a pointer for the future.......let them be mad at you. dont keep appologizing....appologize once and let it go. they just need time. I just need time. o and by the way whoever said that family is the most important thing ....they need to go die....friends are way better. plaina nd simple ( with some random thoughts thrown in)

Unsure but Working on it

ok so things are good. Z and I are finally together. Well officially. I just got a vision of people paying up for their bets. Lol. But yeah i hope this is a good thing. I feel a little unsure of it and its a little scarey because it didnt exactly go too well the last time. Im sure a lot of you know what i mean by that. But im not going to do that again so no worries there. Im just a little scared that it is going to feel wierd ya know. I dont know why but w/e. All is good im just a little freaked out about what we are going to do once he...well....nvm im not going to think about that. It doesnt matter...lol...But i think im pretty happy for the most part. I guess we will just wait and see. Im sick of school already and i cant wait until christmas break. I hate christmas break but ill do anything for a break from school. O that reminds me. I have to talk to Z about some stuff that has to do with that. Ummm well now that that part of my life is kinda settled im going to start working on stuff with my friends. I need to build up some of the relationships that ive lost. I think ive kinda been ditching my friends. So im sorry for that guys! I promise ill work on it. I will get better at balancing things i promise. Plain and simple

I told you so

I love my friends to death...and i love thier advice...but its hard when they all give me differant advice and they all expect me to listen to them. I cant please everyone. And i hate knowing that someone is going to be able to say "i told you so" But i do have a problem. I dont know what to do. Ive thought about it and thought about it and i have no clue. I mean basically everyone thinks the same thing...well except like two people. I dont know what i think. I think that im scared to death that everyone is right. Is he really like that? Do i just not notice it? I mean yeah sometimes i can see that he has that potential...but is it that serious? Do i really let him push me around and influence me too much? Is everyone just worrying too much? I dont know what to do. I cant make a choice here. I mean no choice is right. Do i say yes just becasue i have no concrete reason to say no. Or do i say no to avoid a bad situation that may or may not ever happen? Babe if your reading this...im sorry....im sorry i make you wait and make you feel bad...you have no idea how bad i feel now...this makes me physically sick to my stomach...i dont know what to do....and thats not fair to you...Ive never been fair to you...i just need to talk to you....plain and simple

Rethinking

I always used to say things like “don’t plan”…..”timeing means nothing”…..”why wait”….”live in the moment”. But now im thinking that you cant live by those things. Planning is good sometimes…it sets goals, and timeing is everything…really it is, and waiting is good because sometimes your just not ready, living in the moment is ok but think about how it is going to effect things.

Forgive

Im not mad anymore. Well not really. And I mean I have no right to be mad in the first place anyways. But I guess that doesn’t really matter because either way I was mad…rather I had the right or not. Well I wouldn’t say I was mad or angry I would say that I was more upset. I was hurt. But im not upset now and I wasn’t upset for very long anyways. I just haven’t forgiven you yet. And I shouldn’t have to forgive you because you did nothing wrong that needs forgivness. Confusing I know but I think you know what I mean. I just think it would be bad to start off in a bad place. I mean to start off with me holding a grudge I guess you could say would be a really bad thing. I just think that we need to start fresh and right now im still stuck with old…negative…feelings and that’s not cool. Im sorry. I finally know what I want and im not ok with actually having it.

My thougths on today...

So this is not about my problems because i have a lot of them right now so i decided to discuss things that have nothing to do with me today...lmao. ok so everything sucks. well kinda ..i mean this is totally poor me but idc this is how i feel. I love my friends more than anything but man do i hate it when they stick me in the middle of everything. V and J...i love you but i love D too. I have my own opinions on who is right and wrong but i dont feel right telling you because i feel like im stabbing one fo you in the back. Im glad you guys are working things out but make sure that you two are not just reuniting because of your mutual hate for another person. In my eyes he did nothing wrong. I think that you two are being unfair to him. I really do. Give him a chance. Let him tell his side and talk to you about it. But its not really my business. And D , dont let people put you down. I know what they all say but dont care what people think...be true to who you are and dont change your beliefs just to impress someone. O and to a certain someone thank you for helping me with my problems today...i know you dont think you did help but you did. I enjoy hearing your opinions on things even if i dont always like them. plain and simple.

Pain

Ok so today ive thought a lot about pain. I thought about physical pain, emotional pain, mental pain. These are my thoughts. Physical pain is not that bad. I mean for the most part you can wait it out and it goes away. You can take meds for it, you can numb it and sometimes you can even ignore it and forget its there. Mental pain is the kind that only hurts you when you think about it. Most people can teach themselves to just forget. They block it out. They choose not to think about it. So once you master that you are pretty much set, its no big deal. But then there is emotional pain. There is no cure, there is no way to numb it or make it go away, you cant really wait it out, and it is the one of the three pains that actually causes you to have all of them at once. Im sure you know what im talking about. You get upset or angry or really sad and it makes you want to puke your guts out. Yeah im sure we have all experianced that. And you know what even though it is so horrible...i dont want it to go away. What i would have to go through to cure it is worse than the pain itself. Im not willing to let go of the feelings that cause that pain. I actually like those feelings. They are a comfort to me, they reasure me, and they remind me that im lucky to have those feelings for someone ( and to have a person feel the same way about me)...but once and awhile ill have a day that i think .....whats the point? these feeling are useless? i cant act on them because i will get attached. and that cant happen because we are friends...so mabey we are not normal friends....but we are just friends....and i gave up my right to anyhting more. So im not willing to move past them...i just have to deal with them. plain and simple ( this is not meant to depress you ...it is supposed to be haappy ok it just kind of turned gloomy at the end...so sorry)

The girl

i hate it when the girl who messes with the guys head. I mean come on already if you like him fine tell him, if you dont fine tell him, but none of this bullshit stuff.I hate the girl that is so unfair to the guy that its not even funny its just mean. i hate it when the girl is just scared to say how she feels because shes scared of how he will react. I hate the girl that is lost when shes not with him. I hate the girl that misses him five minutes after he leaves. I hate the girl that only thinks and talks about him. I hate it when the girl is so god damn afraid of ruining their friendship that she ruins any chance of it becoming more. But what i hate the most is when the girl...is me. plain and simple

Im sorry

ok so is it bad to be happy for something that makes someone else sad?. i mean im not happy im just relieved i guess. but whatever. I do think that i need to say that i appreciate my best friend. He is awesome. I prolly dont tell him enough but id be lost without him. I feel really bad sometimes becasue i pretty much treat him like crap. I dont even think about it. I just say things that are really mean and i talk to him like hes stupid. Hes not stupid. I mean yeah sometimes im frustrated with him but i luv him to death and i dont want to treat him like crap. I just always seem to make really degrading comments to him. I DONT MEAN IT!!!! I just vent sometimes and its not very nice. And of course he doesnt accept my appologies so i dont know what to do. IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY!!! im sorry that i say things and make you feel 2 inches tall. Im sorry that i get upset when all of your attention isnt on me . Im sorry im so spoiled, and jealous, and selfish, ok im sorry. plain and simple.

stressed

its just the way i feel....stressed..i cant explain it but i know its there. plain and simple

Feelings

so im keeping it short and sweet....no matter what your feelings are just accept them and deal with them as they are. Dont fight them. Its not worth it. You might not be able to act on them but so what. They are there and fighting them most likely wont help them go away anyways. Just accept them. Plain and simple

Just take a minute to think

ok so i know that there will be at least one person that reads this and freaks out about it. So i just want to say to those people that some of this could be pointed at you but dont flatter yourself...not everything is about you. but its going to sound way worse and way more dramatic than i mean it. But my whole point is to tell it like it is and be real so dont read too much into this.

Being left out of someones life or cut out of someones life sucks....but whats worse is to see the person that is filling that place...your place. That hurts more than anything. So dont blow off your good friends for those who you want to become better friends with. Its not worth it. Im not saying you should have those select people that you should spend all of your time with and never try to make new or better friends. Im just saying make sure you know who is always there for you...think back to all of the things you have been through...who has always been there....who is always there now no matter what. Who would you be lost without. just take a minute to think about it. think about how you would feel if your best friend made you feel unimportant...or blew you off all the time. trust me i know...it hurts. so all im saying is think next time when a good friend sounds or looks like they need help...find a way to help them out...even if its just talking to them ...put that first, before everything else. For once in your life dont be selfish. Just take some time to really think about it ok? Think about what really matters....what is truely important at this point. Just think about it ....plain and simple

Change

So do you ever feel like you know everything about someone, you always know what they are thinking, you understand them completetly, i mean your best friends with them. And then one day you just feel like everything has changed. You feel like your missing out on things with them becasue they dont tell you anything anymore, you cant read them and you dont know how they feel, when they try to explain things to you you are completely lost and just dont get it. I HATE IT!! Dont get me wrong i love my life and i wouldnt change it. But sometimes i just miss how things used to be. Im sure everyone feels like that sometimes. I think what im trying to say is i dont really like change. Well im scared of change. There is no real way to avoid it either. People change, ideas change, opinions change, i change, and well time keeps passing and things keep happening. But i miss the old times....lol...i dont think im even old enough to have old times yet....but either way sometimes im just saddened by the things that are lost...relationships, memories, conversations, the way someone looks at you. Thats one thing that really does hurt. Its hard to explain. But when you have feelings for someone and they have feelings for you too, you exchange this look....a look that you both give each other....letting them know that there is nothing that they would rather be doing then being there with you. Its the best feeling in the world. And then when your looking at that person one day.....and they dont give you that look anymore...its the worst feeling in the world. Im not sure if that makes sense but if you have had that with someone then you understand what i mean. And for those of you that have not experianced that yet...dont worry you will...be patient. plain and simple

Annoying

a lot of things really bug me. I mean everyone has things that annoy them but i think i have an abnormally large amount. Im getting better at letting things go that are not important but sometimes you just have a day that you cant take it anymore. lol..but like i said im a lot better at just letting things go than i used to be. My friends dont annoy me any more. Well one does but ill explain that in a minute. It takes a lot for a person to get on my nerves. Most of the time i dont care what people think of me so when they are bugging me i let them know..problem solved. But when i do care about the person or what they think then they can most definatly annoy me. (Z) I mean Z is my best friend. So when i tell people that he is annoying me they always think its a negative thing. He usually thinks its negative too. But its actually the opposite. It should be very flatering to him. Not many people can even get my attention let alone bug me or get on my nerves. So for Z ...when i tell him that he is really annoying me...its a loving term...its a form of affection. As long as he understands that i dont really care what everyone else thinks. plain and simple

Random thoughts

ok so ive been told that my whole blog is too depressing but ya know what ive said from the begining that im gonna tell it like it is and i dont sugar coat things so if you have a problem with it either get over it or stop reading. ummmm i just read the comment on my last entry, and omg. i think its funny how you know what someone thinks about you but it doesnt quite hit you until they say it ...or write it in this case. Im not going to reply to most comments but this one deserves a reply. Too bad i cant put it on here cuz im not sure if the person is ok with me doing that. Tough luck for you i guess. But ill fill everyone in later. k so on a better note....this weekend is going to rock. im going to my dads and V is going to be there and we are going to the movies. I cant wait. Well im tired and i have to go study....so you should do what i plan to do, live life as it flies at you.....just deal, because things will work out in the end. plain and simple

Im scared

ok so im scared to death. Im scared of you and what your capable of. Im scared of the power you have over me. Im scared of how i feel about you. Im scared of how you feel about me. Im scared that i have given up chances i should have taken. Im scared that you will give me a second chance. And at the same time im scared that you wont. Im scared that if you give me another chance i wont take it...and im scared that i will. Im scared that my feelings for you are going away and becomeing feelings for someone else. im scared that the same thing is happening to you. Im scared that you will get over it and move on. And im scared that i wont. But more than anything in the world Im scared that in the future when you are talking about "us" the word regret will will come from your mouth. Plain and simple but really its not.

<3 G

I would like to make a shout out to G. We love you brotha! I have no idea how hard this must be for him. A guy who lives and breathes athletics to be told that he cannot participate in contact sports ever again. It must be devastating for him. But he is a great guy and a wonderful person. I dont believe it when i hear them say he will never play again. It will happen for him....things will get better. Everyone is always telling me that everything happens for a reason. Well i would love to know what the freaking reason is for this. Why him ...why now...He doesnt deserve this. plain and simple. He just doesnt.

One of my guy friends

ok so this guy and I are really close. well i think we are. I love him to death. i trust him and he trusts me. But we are just friends and im sure we always will be. Btw that is 100% ok with me because i dont think i like him that way but im glad that we are friends....lol. But he has some problems right now and im trying to help. He and i both know what needs to be done i think he just needed to hear it from someone else. Hey what are friends for right. I bet all of you are thinking that it is Z...well its not its D....i just thought i should clarify that. well i guess things are kinda crapy with me because ive been focusing on helping other people. but its all good i needed the distraction from my own problems if you know what i mean. I guess i kinda need a break. plain and simple.

Friday Night Game

ok so tonight we lost the footabll game....but honestly i dont care... i mean yeah i wanted to win but im really not that interested in it. I spent most of the time with Z. He is amazing. It is always hard for me to leave his side whenever i am with him. If i could i would still be there....with our arms wrapped around each other....mmmmm....i miss it already. yeah yeah i know im crazy...your question is "why are you guys not together?" well it is more complex than that. but i think im getting to the point where i dont care. i mean i cant be with him right now because i have feelings for other guys but im crazy about Z. I dont know what to do. Im gonna get hurt no doubt. but i really dont care. well mabey i do.....grrrrrr i dont know what to do or what to think or say. im just crazy .....about him and just about everything in general. plain and simple

Family

I know this is like my third entry tonight but i have to get you caught up with my life. So dont judge me here i go. I live with my mom and my step dad for the moment. My dad left us when i was about idk 6. I see him on the weekends and at least one day during the week. He is my hero and my idol. I LOVE YOU DAD!!! um my family and i have some issues but we are getting help...well i am ...they are not. I dont feel comfortable telling you everything right now so lets just say i dont deal well with stress and i get mad at myself way too easily. But like i said im getting help. My step mom is the bomb. Her name is Karman and she rocks. I love her to death. Shes a little crazy but thats why she is so great, there is nobody like her. I have a sister faith and she is pretty cool but i dont talk to her as much as i used too. I guess we are both just too busy with school and friends and work. I also have a sister Keshia. Her and i dont get along so great anymore. But that is a whole differant story for a whole differant time. She lives in Grand Rapids now so i dont see her much anymore. ok now im really tired and im goingt o go hop in the shower. People say that family is the most important thing...well i disagree the only members of my family that are important are those that are my friends. plain and simple

"Best"

ok so i have a ton of best friends. im not going to tell you their real names so im going to use letters. Hopefully you can still follow what im saying. So when i was thinking about my friends today i was trying to decide who my very best friend is. I mean what really defines a "best" friend. I think there are a few ways to tell who you can consider your best friend. Trust is the # 1 decider in my book. You have to have complete trust. Ther are a lot of other factors that i will probably mention later on in my story. So anyways my best friend is Z. hmmm...what to say about Z. He is amazing. I dont know how i ever lived without him. I dont know what im going to do next year....he will graduate this year and ill be lost after that. Im not so sure what im going to do with myself or how im going to handle that. But im not going to think about that right now. well my other really close friend is T well lets call her V. V is awsome. I love her to death. She is always there for me and i tell her everything. I do wish that her and i got more time to talk and hang out but w/e life is busy and i understand that. Well I also have other really good friends i just dont feel like spending time to explain them. But dont worry you will get to know them later on as well. Lets see there is... J,J,J, and J....so good luck with that one. And there is B and D and T and a crap ton of others...lol....ok well im tired and i have homeowrk to do so nighty night. Remember always know who your true freinds are cuz you will never get through life without them. plain and simple

crazy

So there is this guy that i cant stop thinking about. and im sure he knows that im crazy about him. Im pretty sure hes fond of me too. but we are not together anymore and probably never will be. we are "just friends" if you know what i mean. when im not with him im thinking about him and when i am with him i cant focus on anyhting but us. every touch and every look he gives me makes me have this unbelievable feeling. i just cant get enough. when i see him my eyes light up and my heart jumps. im just completely and hopelessly insane. plain and simple. but shhhh its our little secret.